So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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