I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
