Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
where are you?
Hypothermia
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
