You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
