I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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