I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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