Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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