I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
