i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
