all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
