The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
