I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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