I cannot find my penis.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
