no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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