It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
