Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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