We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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