This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
