mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
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I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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