i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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