I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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