The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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