If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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