I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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