do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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