Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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