I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
