Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
