You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
