fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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