I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just forgot I was standing up.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
