This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
