Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
