I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
