Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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