if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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