my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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