Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ladies don't puke and tell
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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