On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
