I wish I only lived at night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
