he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We got so high we made milksteak
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
