the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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