i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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