is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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