Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
