Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
