$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
