I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
