if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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