when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
