Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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