I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
