is your mom at the bar?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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