Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need to align my fucking chakras
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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