i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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