I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
