Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
