Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
