you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize