I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
